


Universal Alignments

by godtiermeme



Category: Homestuck, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Null session, Alternate Universe - SBURB Fusion, Crossover, F/F, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2046336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three weeks ago, a handful of people received a mysterious package in the mail.</p><p>SBURB.</p><p>It was a harmless-looking game in an inconspicuous manilla envelope. Each envelope was marked plainly, bearing the usual name and address. In fact, the only strange thing about any of these packets was that none of them came with return addresses.</p><p>Two weeks ago, a few people actually began to play the game.</p><p> Four days ago, a somewhat peculiar boy by the name of Eren Jaeger began to play the game. This prompted two of Eren’s closest friends to follow him into the game, prompting the end of the world and sending all the players to The Medium.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Level 1 Phase I

Eren Jaeger was a young man with dark brown hair, blue-green eyes, and a horrendously short temper. He considered himself an adept fighter and survivalist. He also considered himself to be quite skilled when it came to wielding various blades.

This latter fact—that he felt comfortable with an edged weapon—worked in his favor, as he found himself alone in an unfamiliar place with only a clever and whatever else happened to be in his room.

Now, to say what Eren did not know: he was on The Planet of Ruin and Giants. This particular planet was one of twelve, which orbited various other areas of a sort of universe known as The Medium. He was the Prince of Rage, and he was to help create an entirely new universe.

To Eren, however, the situation he was in was completely baffling. Without any knowledge of the situation, and without knowing anything which has just been said, he had no way of telling what was happening. And, so, he found himself staring at the ceiling for what felt like the fiftieth time in the past three hours or so.

His eyes continually darted towards the computer beside him, and his thoughts bounced wildly within his mind.

Where was he? Where were his friends? Where was the rest of his house?

He sighed and rolled over to face the window. Through this window, he could see only an unending stretch of flat, grassy plains. The flowing green monotony was broken only by an occasional rock, some crumbling stone structures, and the intermittent passings of the giants which he assumed to be inhabitants of wherever he was.

Ding.

The first noise since Eren found himself in the strange place of Ruin and Giants. He frowned, stared at his computer and, wondering in the back of his mind how it hadn’t died yet, opened it. Upon logging in, a simple chat client popped up on the screen.

\-- wallDefender [WD] began pestering  titanShifter [TS] at 13:04--

WD: where are you?   
WD: i’ve been looking for you for three hours.

TS: I DONT KNOW   
TS: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

WD: i don’t know, either.   
WD: hold on i’m getting some sort of weird notice.

\-- wallDefender [WD] ceased pestering titanShifter [TS] at 13:07--

Eren stared at the chat for a moment. Within seconds, however, the laptop rang once more. Another chat interface popped up.

\-- earthExplorer [EE] opened a memo on board JAEGER--

EE: Where are you two?   
EE: Because my room is floating in the middle of some sort of ocean.

wallDefender [WD] responded to memo.

WD: i’m in some sort of really shady place.   
WD: like, actual shady.   
WD: and there are a lot of wood cabins.

EE: What about you, Eren?

titanShifter [TS] responded to memo.

TS: THERE’S A LOT OF SHITTY STONE BUILDINGS AND GIANTS   
TS: AND GRASS

EE: So, then, I don’t think we’re all that close to each other.

fieldSoldier [FS]  responded to memo.

FS: Ive just got a whole lot of horses and a giant fucking wall.   
FS: What the fuck is going on?

TS: DAMMIT ARMIN YOU INVITED HIM?

EE: Why not?

TS: BECAUSE HES A FUCKING ASSHOLE   
TS: DAMMIT ARMIN.

WD: eren calm down.   
WD: it’s a chat client. you don’t even actually need to talk to him.

TS  banned FS  from responding to memo.   
EE unbanned FS from responding to memo.   
WD banned  TS  from responding to memo.

WD: go take a chill pill or something, eren.

Eren let forth a discontented snarl and logged off of the chat. He slammed the laptop shut, shoved it into his backpack, and grabbed the cleaver he’d chosen to use as a weapon. Then, figuring there was nothing else better to do, he wandered outside.

Stepping out of his room, he immediately found himself atop a fairly large stone slab. Various symbols seemed to be engraved on the slab and weeds pushed through the cracks in the stone. Old as hell, he figured. In fact, from what he could see, everything was old as hell. Aside from his room, no other building seemed to be standing.

“This place is a fucking dump.”

Absentmindedly, he spun the cleaver about in his right hand. He watched as a few of the giants seemed to group together and amble towards the appeared to be a small pond. It was at that moment that he realized that he was thirsty. So, pulling a travel mug from his bag, he wandered to the pond. As he approached, he kept his weapon visible.

If the giants had any intelligence, they’d run.

However, the humanoid monstrosities neither ran nor attacked. They merely remained frozen in place, staring at the approaching brunet with large, curious eyes. They remained like this as Eren drew water and as he departed, heading towards a seemingly distant mountain range.

Ding.

The interruption came after at least five miles of walking and at a most inopportune time. In fact, Eren didn’t see any sort of shelter for the next two miles. Even so, he assumed it was something that couldn’t be ignored. Aside from that, it looked like the pleasant weather would hold up and there didn’t seem to be any sort of threat nearby.

He sat down in the grass and pulled out his laptop.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering titanShifter [TS] at 18:43--

TG: wow youre the last one to actually answer their fucking messages   
TG: whatve you been doing picking your ears all day   
TG: seriously   
TG: ive messaged you at least five times

TS: WELL I DIDNT GET ANY MESSAGES   
TS: AT LEAST I DIDNT UNTIL NOW   
TS: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ANYWAYS?   
TS: BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DONT KNOW YOU

TG: dave strider   
TG: and according to your friends youre eren jaeger   
TG: so we have these shitty greetings out of the way

TS: THATS FUCKING NICE  
TS: WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

TG: okay so hear me out   
TG: my friends and i  
TG: we’ve been stuck in this shitty stalemate game for fucking ever  
TG: and we figured if someone came in and helped  
TG: we could actually get out of this shit

TS: WHAT SHIT DO YOU MEAN?  
TS: BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON

TG: well damn  
TG: then that means i’ll have to do a whole lot of talking…


	2. Level 1 Phase II

Eren Jaeger awoke to a cacophony of digital dinging. He found himself in the shade if a ruined castle tower and surrounded by a throng of bipedal ferrets, all of which were chittering back and forth by means of parrot-like squawks.

What the fuck was happening?

He moaned and rolled over. His arm fell across his backpack and from it he pried his laptop.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] opened a memo on board NEWMEAT--

TG: okay so that eren assholes online   
TG: can we fucking get started now?

fieldSoldier [FS] replied to memo.

FS: Why the hell does he have to be here?   
FS: ???

wallDefender [WD] replied to memo.

WD: because he’s part of the team.   
WD: now both of you shut up and act mature for ten fucking minutes?

Eren groaned once more and rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t exactly awake at that point, but he was being forced awake with alarming rapidity. “Fuck.” With his mind still half-clouded by sleep, he responded.

titanShifter [TS] replied to memo.

TS: THERE ARE A TON OF FERRETS STANDING AROUND ME   
TS: AND THEY ARE FUCKING SQUAWKING LIKE BIRDS   
TS: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

tentacleTherapist [TT]  replied to memo.

TT: They’re just your consorts.   
TT: They don’t do much in the way of harming you.

“Consorts,” Eren scoffed.

As he spoke, one of the ferrets came near him. It prodded its nose against the side of his computer.

He reacted by quickly shoving it away. This caused the remaining ferrets to scatter.

TS: WHATEVER   
TS: THIS IS A LOAD OF CONFUSING BULLSHIT   
TS: IM OUT

The brunet forcefully slammed his computer shut and shoved it back into the bag, which he then slung over his shoulder. He grabbed the cleaver and set off.

If he could just reach that mountain range, he might be able to find some answers…

“STRIFE!” a disembodied voice rumbled across the plains.

Eren, still groggy and confused from the conversation he’d just exited out of, frowned. “What the fuck is it now?” he murmured.

His eyes scanned the area around him. Nothing seemed to appear out of place. Nothing aside from the warm breeze which seemed to come from behind him.

“Oh fuck…”

He turned and found himself face-to-face with a small, impish creature. “What the fuck are you going to do to me, you scrawny little shit?” he scoffed, readying his cleaver for a fight.

The small creature responded with a banshee-like screech. Its fingers flicked briefly, revealing a set of sharp claws. Its lips pulled back, revealing a formidable set of small but razor-sharp teeth. It lunged.

“FUCK!” exclaimed Eren, barely dodging the attack with a stumble to the side. “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!”

The imp’s failed attack sent it hurdling several yards away. It landed hard in the grass, though it quickly recovered. Once back on its feet, it bared its teeth again and lunged.

This time, Eren readied himself. He clutched the cleaver in both hands and posed as if he was about to hit a baseball. Time seemed to slow as he waited. The creature arched through the air. It edged closer and closer until, finally…

_THUD._

The cleaver made contact with the imp’s neck. Thick black blood gushed from what Eren could only assume was a ruptured vein and it let forth a final scream. Then, it simply vanished. About five small, black droplet-shaped objects floated where it once was.

“What the hell?” He reached out and grabbed one of the five droplets. It disappeared from his hand. A ringing noise came from the phone, which he’d forgotten was in his pocket, and he pulled it out to look at the screen.

+1 TAR GRIST

Did he really need this? What was the point?

He touched another of the droplets and watched his phone.

+1 TAR GRIST

It didn’t seem that collecting this odd substance added any weight to his bag. So, on an impulse, he swept up the three remaining droplets.

+3 TAR GRIST

 

* * *

 

Directly across, but still quite a distance away, from Eren (as it did reside on the opposite side of the planetary orbit) was a planet covered in city-like areas and near-constant darkness. The Land of Shadow and Thieves was populated by one player, of course, and a formidable army of unique enemies, all of which were quite capable of pickpocketing the player.

Now, who resided on this planet?

Well, the particular player here was quite a mystery to everyone else. His handle was clearly visible, yet he was never online. Thus, he was known to all the others as alleyCorporal, or AC.

However, for the sake of convenience, his true name was Levi Ackerman.

He was a short but powerful young man in his late teens to early twenties. He sported a peculiar variation of a bowl cut and had a penchant for various things, one of which was lockpicking. Now, lockpicking is specifically mentioned because, at the moment at which his true story begins, he happened to be shoplifting a supply store. And, not surprisingly, he’d gained access to the store by picking its five main locks.

Now, he wasn’t there for money. That would, of course, be stupid. He knew the rules of the game. He’d been trapped on his own godforsaken planet for two weeks, after all. He’d figured out what he needed to do. No, what he was going for was the store’s supply of weapons and, more importantly, its Alchemizer.

In fact, at the very moment at which we catch up to him, he was standing before the large machine. His fingers worked furiously at the keys of the controls and his eyes constantly darted about to check for any enemies (or allies who may not be too pleased with his decision to break into a store).

DUAL SELF-SHARPENING BLADES: 15 steel grist, 3 corundum grist, 1 emerald grist

He smirked and pressed enter. Immediately after doing so, his phone alerted him to the subtracted resources. He didn’t pay that much mind, though. He’d accumulated quite a bit of building materials over the past two weeks.

ULTRA-PORTABLE SUPERTABLET: 3 gold grist, 3 brass grist, 10 plastic grist, 6 lead grist

Again, the phone rang and indicated that he’d just been relieved of the relevant materials. A loud clang echoed throughout the store, and a small touchscreen tablet appeared atop a pair of identical, sheathed, single-edged swords. The odd individual known as Levi grabbed all of this and immediately departed. In his wake, the only evidence of any disturbance was the unlocked door and a used lockpick.


	3. Level 1 Phase III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I didn't expect Hanji's text to come out so light. Um... Oops.  
> Also, yes, I posted twice today.

Levi Ackerman.

According to his in-game specifications, he was quite capable of holding his own. He had quite a high default skill for wielding blades and even dual-specialized in fist-to-fist combat.

Around the third day of his experience with the game, he’d lost his computer. Thus, he’d been unable to contact anyone. In fact, he’d been completely unaware of the fact that anyone else was stuck in the game until the moment at which his tablet computer let forth a loud ringing noise.

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering alleyCorporal [AC]\--

GA: Is There Anyone Currently Present To Answer Under This Particular Pseudonym?

AC: Yeah.   
AC: And why are you typing like that.

GA: Why Are You Typing As You Are?

AC: I don’t know.   
AC: So who are you.   
AC: And why should I bother wasting any more time talking to you.   
AC: Because I’ve been stuck on this shitty planet for weeks.

GA: You’re A Really Cheerful Person, Aren’t You?

AC: Not really.   
AC: Now do you have something to say because if you don’t I’m leaving.

GA: You Are Excessively And Thoroughly Unpleasant, You Know.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  ceased pestering alleyCorporal [AC] \--

“What a load of bullshit,” he sighed, toying about with one of his two swords.

With a huff of frustration, he leaned against the brick wall behind him. He stared upwards and watched the dark grey clouds roll across the sky. Nothing remotely exciting had happened in the past few days. No enemies had shown up. No danger had presented itself. Perhaps, he supposed, it was time to go find some action for himself.

He rose to his feet, attached the swords to his belt, and began to wander northwards. He passed through various alleyways and even a few wider main streets. Yet, still, nothing happened. The strange snakes which seemed to inhabit the planet hadn’t even come out. It was dead silent.

Then, he heard it.

“STRIFE!” a voice rumbled across the land.

He turned. His eyes narrowed. His hands gripped the handles of his blades.

The earth beneath his feet shuddered as the opponent approached. Emerging from the shadows of a side alley, it revealed itself. It was large, muscular, and sported an impressive pair of tusks.

Levi didn’t care much about its looks, though. He was far more interested in harvesting his fair share from the creature.

Preparation.

He readied himself. With an impressive amount of finesse, he unsheathed his swords.

Evaluation.

From experience, he knew this was an enemy known as an ogre. It wasn’t as weak as the imps he’d first encountered, so it yielded more materials when killed. This particular variety was a sulfur ogre, a fact made clear by its goldenrod coloration.

Planning.

All of the ogres Levi had ever fought to that point were famous for their powerful initial attacks. They normally began without weapons, meaning that their first few hits would be dealt with their large fists, and this particular ogre was no exception. When it made its first strike, Levi knew what to do.

Attack.

The beast lumbered forward and dealt a powerful downward punch.

Levi predicted it. He hopped backwards and, upon landing, sliced through the ogre’s wrist with his swords. Amber-colored blood began to flow from the open wound. Yet, the creature still staggered forward.

Levi knew that now, with one fist gone, it would have to use the other. He perched himself in front of a metal trash can.

The ogre struck exactly where it was supposed to. The trash can rebounded against the wall with a loud clang and managed to hold the ogre’s attention for the brief amount of time that was needed.

Levi, meanwhile, dodged the attack and rolled to the left. Then, before the stunned enemy could do anything, he plunged his blades into its side.

Steel slid through flesh, stopping only when it hit bone. For a brief second, more amber blood sputtered out of the wound. Then, the defeated monster vanished. In its wake, it left the prize which Levi had been looking for.

+7 BUILD GRIST   
+3 AMBER GRIST   
+5 SULFUR GRIST   
+2 CORUNDUM GRIST

Without so much as a trace of emotion, Levi sheathed his weapons. He pulled from his pocket a handkerchief, which he used to wipe the remaining blood off of himself and his brown leather jacket.

“That was pathetic,” he mumbled, wiping the toe of his tennis shoes against some grass, which grew through the cracks in the road’s pavement.

 

* * *

 

On the planet located exactly ninety degrees to the east of The Land of Shadow and Thieves was another planet. This one happened to be known as The Land of Trees and Wind, and it was the starting point for someone by the name of Hanji Zoë.

Hanji happened to have long, brown, and typically ponytailed hair. According to the game’s specifications, Hanji qualified as using Penkind. In other words, weapons had to be in the form of pens or other writing utensils to be useful.

\-- alleyCorporal [AC] began pestering warriorScientist [WS] \--

AC: Hey.   
AC: Hanji.   
AC: Have you gotten any weird messages.

WS: Well, I guess you’re kind of weird.   
WS: And you’re messaging me.   
WS: So, yeah, I have!

AC: Not what I meant.

WS: Okay, fine, I haven’t.

AC: Shit.

\-- alleyCorporal [AC] ceased pestering warriorScientist [WS] \--

Hanji paused to consider what Levi had said.

Up until this point, there had been no messages. Hell, why bother checking computers when there was a whole, wide world to research!? Nothing was as thrilling or compelling as this strange new reality of imps and ogres and odd planets. Everything was new. Everything was different.

Hanji sighed in contentment and pulled out a tattered notebook, documenting a few things upon its pages. More specifically, Hanji was documenting what happened to be in the immediately visible area. A quick picture and a swift explanation— _Large stone bed set in middle of important-looking room. Symbol on bed._ (At this point, the notes were interrupted by a sketch of a wavy pattern.) _Light blue color scheme._


	4. Level 1 Phase IV

On another planet located within the strange universe known as The Medium was an older and naturally brunet teenager. Despite his natural brown hair, however, the top portion was dyed bottle blond.

His name was Jean Kirschtein, and he dealt with his enemies with his fists and his pistol.

Now, to be exact, the particular planet on which he resided was that of Horses and Walls. Not surprisingly, said planet was covered in large walls and populated by horses. Jean had, much like Eren, only just begun the game. In fact, he was completely unaware of what the purpose was. All he knew was that he’d been wandering up and down the length of one particularly long wall for three days. In fact, he had only just reached the stairs at the opposite end a few moments ago.

\-- fieldSoldier [FS] began pestering earthExplorer [EE] \--

FS: You there Armin?

EE: Yeah.  
EE: What’ve you been doing for the past three days?

FS: Walking up and down an ugly wall.  
FS: What about you?

EE: I’ve been trying to figure out what this game is about.  
EE: I just had a conversation with one of the pre-existing players.

FS: And?

EE: They said we need to ascend to something called “God Tier.”

FS: What the fuck is god tier?

EE: Damned if I know.

\-- fieldSoldier [FS] ceased pestering earthExplorer [EE] \--

“Fuck!” exclaimed Jean, frantically hitting his beaten-up laptop. “Now? Why the fuck does the signal break now!?” With an exasperated sigh, he slammed the computer closed and crammed it back into his messenger bag. Then, after a few moments of thought, he began to make his way down the stairs to his left.

Nothing had happened in the past three days and if nothing happened today, he was fairly certain he’d go certifiably insane.

 

* * *

 

Erstwhile, on a terrestrial mass known as The Land of Sea and Books, a young man with natural blond hair and large, blue eyes found himself sitting on a makeshift raft.

Well, it was less a raft and more a collection of cleverly joined materials.

Either way, it floated. And, right now, that was all that mattered.

At that particular moment the blond, who happened to be named Armin Arlert, was pondering a question. He was pondering what exactly this so-called “God Tier” was. If he could only get a hint, then there might be some way to advance past this vast, seemingly endless ocean.

He sighed and adjusted the sails of his boat (which used to be his bedsheets).

After doing this, he glanced at his watch. It remained as it had been twenty minutes earlier. The digital screen was cracked and the numbers flashed erratically. He shrugged.

Stuck in the middle of a giant ocean, time didn’t matter much. At least, not then. Nothing necessitated the presence of time at that very moment. Rather, the mystery of the so-called “God Tier” called for a good amount of time to be spent pondering the concept.

What did it mean? What was it—?

_Thud!_

Armin frowned.

The ship stopped moving.

“What?” The blond edged cautiously to the boat’s northern edge. Upon reaching said edge, he found the source of the obstruction. It was a massive stone slab. Rectangular and bed-like in shape, it bore a greenish color scheme and an odd central symbol. A circle with three tendrils protruding from it in a fashion which, when the ends of the tendrils were connected, formed a triangle.

 

* * *

 

\-- earthExplorer [EE] began pestering wallDefender [WD] \--

EE: Mikasa!  
EE: Mikasa!

Across the galaxy, within a densely forested area of a place known as The Land of Cabins and Shade, a black-haired young woman stared absentmindedly at her ringing computer. She debated getting up and answering. Was she willing to expose herself to the multitude of ogres which crept about in the forest outside of the cabin she hid in?

Perhaps.

No, not perhaps.

Definitely.

WD: what’s up?

EE: I found this stone bed thing.  
EE: It’s got an odd symbol on it.  
EE: Do you think it has anything to do with that “God Tier” thing?

WD: maybe?  
WD: i mean i have one over here, too.

EE: What color is yours?  
EE: Mine is a greener shade of teal.

WD: yellow and gold.

_THUD!_ Something slammed against the door.

“STRIFE!”

WD: hold that thought though because i’ve got to go take care of something.

Setting the computer aside, Mikasa drew forth a pair of identical, long-bladed survival knives. She then perched herself atop the cabinetry on the back wall and waited.

 _THUD! THUD! THUD!_ With every strike, the hinges pulled even further away from the wall. The door began to sag inwards. It began to crack. Then, finally, it happened.

A skeletal lynch stumbled through the splintering door. Its bones rattled with every motion, and its eyeless sockets immediately focused on its target—the girl atop the cabinets.

However, it didn’t have much time to celebrate its victory, for it was rapidly skewered by a well-thrown survival knife. It disappeared and left behind various types of grist, all of which Mikasa ignored as she returned to the computer.

WD: okay they got in.   
WD: i’ve got to go look for somewhere else to stay.   
WD: talk to you later.

\-- wallDefender [WD] ceased pestering  earthExplorer [EE] \--

With this said, she carefully packed her tablet computer in her backpack and wandered outside.


	5. Level 2 Phase I

In the center of The Medium, there was a large, spherical mass known as Skaia. Within Skaia, there was yet another central mass known as The Battlefield. And it was here, on The Battlefield, that the final six members of the session could be found.

To be more in depth: the final six had long since found a small alcove in which to hide. Nestled amongst the black-and-white checkerboard landscape, it began as a mere hollow. However, a bit of quick digging revealed that the hollow connected to something much, much bigger. It connected to a series of underground passages and spaces, most of which had rather unfortunately been blocked off by cave-ins. However, there was just enough open space for the group to establish themselves a makeshift base.

Within this base was an odd couple comprised (obviously) of two individuals.

The first was an alien troll by the name of Karkat Vantas. He was rather short and had a rather narrow build. He made up for his size, however, through a great deal of yelling.

The second was a human from Earth by the name of David Strider, though everyone called him Dave. Unlike Karkat, he was rather tall, though not exceedingly so. He had a broader build, which—in terms of shoulder-to-waist ratios—was rather rectangular.

With the use of an Alchemizer and by combining their winnings, the pair had even been able to construct a nicely-sized makeshift room for themselves (and, yes, it came complete with walls). A large stretch of fabric overhead prevented any debris from falling into their area. Though, much to everyone else’s chagrin, it also functioned to slingshot large pieces of debris into various other areas of the base.

Now, at this particular point in time, they happened to be relaxing in the described space. Karkat was busy fiddling with his laptop, while Dave worked away at scoring the highest possible score on a recently-Alchemized pinball machine.

Bells rang. Levers clanged. Springs and bolts rattled.

“You couldn’t have picked something less annoying than that absurd human game, could you?” Karkat eventually commented, peering over the top of his computer. “Honestly, most of your Earth hobbies and games are a completely baffling enigma to me. I mean, I’d much rather choke to death on my own putrid shit than get involved in that stuff. I don’t know how you even find it pleasurable.” He rolled his eyes and glanced back at the screen. He typed furiously for a few moments. Then, he set the device aside.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he wandered over to the cacophonous contraption.

“Shh, man,” Dave responded, his voice heavily affected by an identifiably Texan accent. “Trying to get a high score and—”

A strange sort of sound rang from the speakers. It was a sort of warbling synthetic noise, which began high pitched and quickly descended to as low of a pitch as the machine could render. “Game Over,” an electronic voice announced.

Karkat smirked. He glanced at the ridiculous decals and graphics which covered the machine. _Theatre Magic pinball_. At least, that’s what the vertical backboard said…

“Goddammit!” Dave slammed his fist against the table. “See what’cha did, dude? You went and made me lose the game!”

Karkat let forth a contemptuous huff and rolled his eyes at the blond-haired human. “What part of that is even a game? It looks to me like you just press the buttons and hit a little spherical object against flashing plastic props. There’s nothing fun about it.”

“Really?” Dave laughed. “Then, if you’re so goddamn sure about it, why don’t you try and play it? Here. Why don’t you try?” He pressed one of the large red buttons. This one seemed to be in charge of resetting the game in some way, as it prompted the machine to dispatch three metal balls into the starting area. Once the machine was lit up, Dave grabbed Karkat by the front of his shirt and tugged his forwards.

“I am not playing your imbecilic human shittimes game. Fuck, I can feel my think pan shrivelling to a burnt-out crisp just being near it,” Karkat protested.

“Just shut up and play.” Dave smirked and grabbed Karkat’s hands, pressing them against the buttons which controlled the flippers. Then, with a cocky grin, he pulled back the plunger. “Go.” He released. The ball rocketed into play.

Karkat, meanwhile, watched as the various parts of the machine lit up and whirred. He watched as the lights flashed erratically. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“Hit the ball with the flippers. At the bottom. You’ll figure it out.” Dave smirked and waved his hand dismissively. Then, he wandered over to the bed, whereupon he claimed the computer for himself.

Karkat sighed. The information was completely useless. He fiddled about with the buttons and, seconds later, the same odd, warbling sound played again. “What did I do?”

“You sunk a ball. It’s gone. You’ve still got two. Pull the spring and let it go.”

Karkat nodded and did as instructed. Once again, the ball rocketed into play. It bounced back and forth and ricocheted from one spot to another, seemingly without rhyme or reason. He watched as it descended closer to the flippers. Closer. Closer…

He pressed the button. The flipper hit. The ball was propelled upwards. It hit a component emblazoned with a depiction of an Earth rabbit and bounced back, down the middle. The melody of failure played once more.

“Fuck this!” grumbled Karkat, shoving his hands into his pockets and wandering to the bed to the left of Dave’s. “Humans must have mushy shit in their heads to think that’s any fun.”

“You’re just pissy ‘cause you can’t win,” Dave snickered.

“No!” defended Karkat. “And shouldn’t we be trying to help out those new players? I thought you said you wanted to get out of here.”

“I did.” The blond shrugged. “But not at this very moment. Don’t go changing the subject. You’re just a sore, pissy loser.”

“No I’m not!”

Dave laughed. “Loser.”

“Hmph.” Karkat folded his arms across his chest and scowled.

“Man, you really are pissy. Fine, to answer your question, we might as well let them level up a little. It’s no use telling them what to do until they’re ready to do it. Tell them what to do too soon and we’ll end up with six complete idiots dicking around and ruining the game.”

Karkat’s scowl softened a bit. He sighed. “True.” He fell back into the bed and stared listlessly at the overhanging fabric.

“Relax, dude. It’ll all work out. We’ll help one of them if they’re about to die or anything. They’re good for now.”

“I guess so.”

“I _know_ so. Now, do you want to watch that shitty Ninja Warrior show or do you want me to delete all of the files?”

“That show where humans make complete fools of themselves to show off their so-called physical ability? Move your conceited ass over, dammit,” responded Karkat, clambering to get a seat on the bed.

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the adjacent room, which was more of a large tent, another pair found themselves in a bit of a predicament. Now, this predicament was considerably different from that which has just been described. In fact, their problem was caused by Dave and Karkat’s issue.

Before elaborating on that topic, however, the identities of the pair should be noted.

Once again, there was one troll and on human. The troll was Kanaya Maryam. The human, Rose LaLonde, just so happened to be her girlfriend.

Now, at this particular moment, the pair was busy trying to block out the noise which came from the room next door.

“You know, we could always just outdo them. Make a considerable amount more noise than they are currently making,” commented Kanaya. “It’s not like a bit more noise will significantly impact the entire cave. It’s quite large, really.”

“I’d rather not fight fire with fire in this case, though,” Rose responded. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and continued to knit the obnoxiously long scarf she had been working on for the past three days.

“True,” Kanaya sighed. She folded her arms across her chest. “You know what? Fuck it.”

“Have fun.”

“I will. I shall return momentarily and after this conflict is resolved in a semi-peaceful manner,” quipped Kanaya, grabbing her chainsaw as she wandered out of the tent.

Rose, meanwhile, sighed. She shrugged, briefly considered the possible outcome, and ceased any further thinking on the matter. From her perspective, the sequence of events was as follows.

Dave and Karkat’s door was slammed open. The chainsaw was revved a few times. A tumult of screams and a few pleas for mercy echoed about the cabin. The chainsaw was shut off and, finally, Kanaya re-entered.

“Problem solved.” The troll smirked triumphantly and dropped her weapon next to the tent entrance.

“You could’ve just asked them to shut up, you know,” chirped the blonde human.

“True, but that wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining.”

“Hm.” Rose shrugged. She couldn’t exactly argue with that logic. Besides, it was quiet for once. That was a plus, right?


	6. Level 2 Phase II

Back on the Land of Ruin and Giants, Eren Jaeger decided that he had had enough of this shit. Or, as he simply put it, “Fuck this.” Thus, he found himself a hollow beneath a Neolithic-style rock formation. And, within this little hollow, he created a bed. He had cushioned the damp ground with some dry leaves and grass and just so happened to be curled up beneath his sweatshirt. Likely to due to the exhaustion, which resulted from being awake for three days straight, he fell asleep near-instantly.

And, here begins the second level of Eren’s in-game existence. For, in the game of SBURB, a player sleeping on their own planet awakens their dream self on another. Now, these dream selves could be on one of two other planets. One was Derse, and the other was Prospit.

Eren was no exception to this rule, nor was he one of a special class of players with two concurrent dream selves. Thus, as soon as his “true” self was asleep, he awoke as his dream self on Derse.

Where was he? He wondered.

This definitely wasn’t the Land of Ruin and Giants.

He looked around.

Inside, everything was a harmonious array of shades of red-orange. The stone walls were adorned with various tapestries, which all bore an odd resemblance to the posters in Eren’s room. A large banner with an odd mask-like symbol hung over the only doorway, which was to the south. Opposite that door was a single window.

He frowned. Stumbling from what he realized was a luxurious starting bed, he made his way to the window and looked out.

The world outside had a color scheme equally harmonious to the one inside his room. Not that far below, he could see small pawn-like creatures wandering about.

“Where am I?” he grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

“Somewhere that’s not where you were.”

Eren let forth a startled yelp. Turning around, he found himself facing a dark green phantom of a sparrow. “Who the fuck are you??”

The bird tilted its head to the side and chirped.

“Well, that didn’t help at all,” grumbled Eren as he wandered over to the computer table beside the bed. Reasoning that Armin would probably know what was happening, he opened Pesterchum. To his not-so-happy surprise, though, the computer promptly exploded.

The green bird floated over, situated itself beside Eren, and squawked. It flapped it spectral wings and flailed about.

“Great. I’m stuck with a fucking stupid bird and no computer.”

By now, Eren was fed up with the room and the bird. He grabbed his pillow, removed the pillowcase, and proceeded to stuff it with the supplies that he assumed would be necessary.

Computer. Jacket. Blanket. Some random bags of Skittles he found on the floor.

He nodded. That, he presumed, would be enough.

So, he tied a knot at the top of the pillowcase and flung it over his shoulder. Then, he opened the door. From there, he proceeded down a relatively long spiral staircase before emerging onto a street that looked, felt, and smelled like medieval times.

He stepped outside and onto the street.

A small black creature—which he recognized as one of the pawns he’d seen before—tottered into his thigh. It then proceeded to fall onto its back, at which point it decided to kick and flail about on the stone walkway for a bit. At the same time, it made an annoying noise.

Chirping? Squeaking? Whatever it was, it didn’t sit well with Eren.

“Oh, just shut up,” he grumbled, preparing to kick the nuisance.

“I wouldn’t do that.”

He stopped, turned, and glared at the phantasmal bird. “Why the hell not?”

“I’m just a bird, you know. I don’t know why you shouldn’t. I just know you shouldn’t.”

Eren groaned. At this point, the chirping or squeaking or whatever was far more annoying than the bird’s warning. He prepared to kick the downed carapace once more. This time, however, he was stopped by the sound of rapidly unreeling (or, perhaps, reeling) steel rope. He turned to face the sound.

As he turned, a figure briefly appeared above the rooftops a few blocks away. A sound like a weak rocket echoed briefly before a pair of sharpened, pointed grappling hook-like devices hurtled towards Eren.

“Shit!” He jumped to the side.

The pointed apparati dug into the base of the tower in which Eren had initially resided. Then, the figure—which was, by now, identifiably human—reappeared. Skidding to a halt just before slamming into the tower, the person turned and stared at the startled brunet.

“Who the hell are you?” sputtered Eren.

“Name’s Levi Ackerman.” Now that he wasn’t moving, Eren got a good look at him. He was short, but obviously dangerous. His eyes were, at least at that moment, narrowed for some unidentifiable reason. “Who are you?”


	7. Level 2 Phase III

Eren responded to this new player with his name, obviously. “Eren Jaeger.” What other response was there? Aside from that, what was the harm in handing out his personal information at this point? The world he knew was gone. Nothing much in terms of privacy mattered any more.

“Hm.” Levi responded, brow furrowing. “I’ve never heard of you before, kid. And I’ve been here for two weeks.”

Eren sighed. He duly noted the fact that he’d been referred to as a kid and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know anyone else played the game,” he grumbled.

“Hm.” The oldest of the two shrugged. “Yeah, okay. So I’m guessing you’re new?”

“Yeah.” Eren huffed, his annoyance with this newfound player growing steadily.

“Yeah, I figured as much. There’s a few new players around… Anyhow, you can’t be all that bad if you’ve made it to here.” Again, Levi shrugged. His gaze fell in line with Eren’s and, at that moment, the annoyance that had been building suddenly collapsed.

“Really? You really think so?” Eren sputtered. To be honest, he wasn’t one who cared much about other people’s opinions. But, for some reason, this compliment mattered. Aside from that, it made him feel like this Levi wasn’t all that bad of a guy.

“Well, to get here you’ve got to be asleep on your planet. And that means you’ve found somewhere where you won’t get murdered by something so, yeah. You’re doing pretty good.” A smile flashed briefly across Levi’s face. “Anyhow, you don’t really need any weapons around here. I mean, nothing much happens… It’s a dumpy place.”

“So, what? You know where we are?” Eren countered hopefully.

Levi responded by crossing his arms across his chest. “Nope. All I know is you don’t dream here. You get sent to this shitty place. I’ve been wandering around for hours trying to figure out what to do here.”

“One of the players in the session said you have to get to God Tier,” the teen pitched in. After all, he figured, Levi seemed smart. Maybe not in the type of way he was used to with Armin, but he was smart. Maybe, if he could provide more information, it might help with figuring out this convoluted game.

“God tier?” Levi paused momentarily. He impulsively rubbed the left side of his nose with his index finger and sighed. “Yeah, I heard about that, too. But, what does that get you? Does that mean you get off this dumpy little excuse for a planet?”

“Maybe?” Eren shrugged.

“Well, then, we both know fucking nothing.” With this said, Levi pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit it up. He breathed in deeply and let forth a steady plume of toxic smoke from his nostrils shortly afterwards. “Nice meeting you.”

“Wait!” Eren sputtered, “Where’re you going!?”

This was the first form of human contact he’d had in the past however many days. And, normally, that didn’t bother him. But, being stuck on a planet with nothing but a chat client wasn’t exactly a normal situation. And, quite honestly, he didn’t feel like he’d had long enough with Levi. There was something exciting about him, and, hell, maybe it was just that he was human. But, he couldn’t let it stop now.

“I’m going to go look around some. Why?” Levi replied.

“Could I come with you?” Eren mumbled, glancing towards the ground in an effort to avoid meeting Levi’s gaze.

A shrug accompanied the response. “Yeah, whatever. As long as you don’t slow me down or anything. And, if you wake up, I’m not going to risk my ass to put your unconscious dream person somewhere safe.”

“Sounds fair to me.”

At this point, Eren couldn’t help but smile. Hell, why shouldn’t he? This was exciting. He’d met someone new. Someone exciting. And, on top of that, he now knew there was someone else aside from his friends and the pre-existing weirdos in this game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is completely un-beta(ed?). As usual. I am lazy. And I don't feel like bothering people to spell-check my stupid fanfiction, so whatever. Enjoy this mini chapter. I've been busy doing family things because I start my freshmen year of college in two weeks, so I'm basically out of ideas. If you have any, though, hit me up on Gigapause or Tumblr! (I'm tennantstype40 on both.)


	8. Level 2 Phase IV

Armin Arlert found himself in a large teal room which bore a remarkable similarity to his own. He found himself sprawled out on a comfortable bed of a similar teal color, staring at a dark blue ceiling. “Hm?”

He rolled out of bed and wandered to the singular window in the room. He peered out and saw masses of shining white pawn-like creatures flooding golden streets. Where was he?

Well, now, that question wouldn’t be answered for him for quite a while. So, to fill in the gaps… He was on the planet of Prospit. Much like Derse, which happened to be where his friend, Eren, was, it was a dream planet. And, at this very moment, it just so happened that absolutely nothing of interest seemed to be happening there.

So, Armin made his way to the computer in the corner and pulled up Pesterchum.

\-- earthExplorer [EE] began pestering  fieldSoldier [FS] \--

EE: Hey, Jean, you there?

FS: Yeah why?

EE: Where are you?

FS: Still stuck with a giant fucking wall and a bunch of stupid horses.

EE: Try going to sleep.

FS: Whatre you smoking?

EE: Nothing. Just try going to sleep.

FS: Im a little busy right now with a bunch of imps chasing me so how about later?

EE: That’s good. Tell me when you do.

FS: Dont hold your breath for it.

EE: I won’t.

\-- fieldSoldier [FS] ceased pestering earthExplorer [EE]\--

Armin sighed and shut down the computer. Then, he wandered over to the large circular stage-like object in the middle of the room. He studied it for a moment and noted that there was a screen attached to it. Cautiously reaching out, he prodded the screen.

The device moaned. Parts began to move and the screen lit up. According to the boot screen, he was looking at an Alchemizer. Of course, this didn’t make any sense to him, as he had no idea what an Alchemizer was. Thus, he decided that it was best to leave it alone for a while.

“Hey. Hey! Move the fuck over, dammit. You pompous shitpushing water sac!”

Armin jumped, startled by the sudden outburst of noise from his computer. “Jesus!” he yelped, scrambling to look at the monitor.

“Great! You scared the fucking shit out of him! That’ll really fucking help, won’t it?”

He sat down and looked at the glowing screen. An odd grey humanoid with nubby orange horns and a pale, blond-haired teen wearing aviators faced him. “Who are you?” he mumbled.

“I’m Dave Strider,” the pale human responded, his voice heavily affected by a thick Texan accent. “Now, this screaming asshole next to me is Karkat Vantas.”

“And you’re the players who were here before we were?” Armin inquired.

“Yeah! You got it, dude. I managed to strap together a webcam thing so we can chat. ‘Cause, um, we’re kind of stuck here…”

“Where?”

The blond sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “The Battlefield. You gotta’ reach god tier to get here.”

“And what exactly is god tier?” sighed Armin.

“Well, you see…” began Karkat.

 

* * *

 

Back on the planet of Ruin and Giants, Eren Jaeger awoke to the sound of something banging against the outer wall of the crumbling tower in which he’d decided to set up camp. Accompanying this was the cacophony of shrill chittering and a chorus of nails scratching against rock.

“What the fuck?” mumbled Eren, staggering from the hay pile he’d slept in.

He made his way to the wall and peered through one of the many cracks in the structure. Outside, he saw a vast sea of ebbing forms.

“STRIFE!”

Eren turned. He found himself facing a huge tusked beast. “Shit,” he breathed, scrambling for his cleaver. “Shit!”

The beast, an ogre by the looks of it, lunged. It dived, hand outstretched to catch the not-fully-awake brunet.

In return, Eren stumbled to the side. Having dodged the attack, he aimed a firm hit at the ogre. His clever dug into the back of the beast’s hand. Thick black blood gushed from the wound like oil. It spread, rapidly covering the floor in a thick layer of perilous grime.

“STRIFE!”

A huge fist smashed through the loose rocks near Eren’s hay pile.

Eren greeted the unexpected guest by turning to attack it, only to slip and fall into the oily blood.

The ogre he had been fighting, meanwhile, ripped one of the many crumbling rocks from the wall and hurled it at the prone teen.

“Oh fuck…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, another short one. I'm trying to push the story forward and at least get on person off of Pesterchum because coding that is a killer. Also, I don't want this turning into the next Les Miz in length, so...


	9. Level 2 Phase V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I haven't used extensive Pesterchum in a while, so as a quick review, here are the names. In order of appearance...
> 
> earthExplorer [EE] is Armin.  
> titanShifter [TS] is Eren (not that that's really relevant at the moment).  
> fieldSoldier [FS] is Jean.  
> wallDefender [WD] is Mikasa.  
> alleyCorporal [AC] is Levi.
> 
> Aside from that, the only other one is tentacleTherapist [TT], who is quite obviously Rose.

\-- earthExplorer [EE] began pestering titanShifter [TS] \--

EE: Eren?   
EE: Eren are you there?   
EE: Eren?   
EE: …

EE: Okay, fine, I get it. You don’t want to talk.   
EE: Or you’re just trying to freak me out.   
EE: Which, by the way, it’s working. The freaking out part.

EE: Eren?

\-- earthExplorer [EE] ceased pestering  titanShifter [TS] \--

 

* * *

 

\-- earthExplorer [EE] opened a memo on board HAVE YOU SEEN EREN--

earthExplorer [EE] responded to memo.

EE: Has anyone seen or heard from Eren?   
EE: Because he’s not answering any chats. And he usually does.

fieldSoldier [FS] responded to memo.

FS: I mean I could honestly care less if that assholes okay but?

EE: That’s great, Jean. And so are you but that’s not the point here.

FS: Well if it helps I went to sleep and now Im stuck on this freaky purple planet.

EE: Actually, that helps considerably.

wallDefender [WD] responded to memo.

WD: well, at least he’s predictable.

EE: ???

WD: we all knew he’d end up getting his ass stuck somewhere it shouldn’t be.

EE: True.

alleyCorporal [AC] responded to memo.

AC: We’re looking for that loud angry kid, right.   
AC: Because I just saw him a few hours ago.

WD: where was he and who are you?

AC: Levi. And he was hanging out with me for a while and then he just wandered off.   
AC: I don’t know where he is now.

EE: So he’s not dead?

AC: Probably not.

WD: that’s fucking great. so, where did you lose him?

AC: I don’t know.   
AC: Somewhere in the middle of the market?

tentacleTherapist [TT]  responded to memo.

TT: According to what I have just asked my magic cue ball, your friend is currently in the process of exploring near the eastern clock tower.

WD: great?

TT: Also, whomever finds him should probably try to revive him.

EE: So he IS dead???

TT: Halfway.

WD: shit.

TT: Don’t worry about it. All that is required to revive your friend as his dream self is a brief kiss on the lips. It’s admittedly unpleasant, though it’s probably preferable to him being permanently dead.

EE: This is sounding increasingly ridiculous.

TT: It is. But that’s what needs to happen to resuscitate your companion.

WD: fuck. i’ll be back later.

EE: So does that mean we’ve figured out the situation?

FS: Yeah probably?

AC: I guess so. Doesn’t really matter to me.   
AC: I mean. Really. I haven’t been paying much attention here.   
AC: So.

TT: Unless you wish to continue talking to these people, then you can probably close the memo now.

EE closed memo.

 

* * *

 

Mikasa Ackerman, recently awakened Derse dreamer and slightly annoyed but thoroughly concerned half-sister to Eren Jaeger, found herself amidst a crowd of chirping carapaces. The tallest of the creatures barely came up to her hip, while the shortest were shorter than her shin. Overall, the creatures were harmless. In fact, they were quite cute… in an odd sort of way. But, that wasn’t the issue at this moment.

No, Mikasa wasn’t worried about the multitude of pawns. She was more concerned about finding Eren.

So, for this reason, she shoved through the crowd, searching for any sign of her long-time friend and half sibling. “Eren! Eren!” With each call, she grew more frantic—more hysteric. “Eren!”

The carapaces which surrounded her continued their unintelligible chorus and

“Eren!?” Mikasa called once more, shoving through the crowd of shining black creatures. “Eren?” She stumbled further into the throng and, after a minute or so, emerged in a small area which the carapaces had left unoccupied. And, in the center of the clearing, was an unconscious dream iteration of Eren Jaeger.

“Eren!” A mix of relief and shock washed over Mikasa as she scrambled to the unconscious body.

All she needed to do was kiss him, right? Gross, yes. Incestuous? Yes. But, if it kept her from losing the last remaining family she had, she’d do it.

Though she knew it wouldn’t mean much, she mentally apologized to her half brother before locking lips for a brief moment. As she pulled away, though, there seemed to be no effect. In fact, blood began to trickle from his nose as she withdrew.

“Shit,” mumbled Mikasa.

 

* * *

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering wallDefender [WD] \--

TT: Yes, well, um… This is quite awkward but…

TT: Are you there?

TT: Hello?

TT: This is more than vaguely important…

TT: Oh no.

TT: Well, I suppose I might as well leave this for you. Because you’ll have to check in sooner or later. I forgot to mention that you’re supposed to kiss the original body. Not the dream body. Otherwise, it’s up to the planet’s consorts to transport the body to the quest bed…

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  ceased pestering wallDefender [WD] \--

 

* * *

 

Back on The Battlefield, the remaining few former players had congregated around their makeshift meeting table. (Now, truthfully, it was really just a massive collection of hastily alchemized folding tables covered with a nice looking tablecloth.) And, at that moment, they were discussing the ongoing situation.

Dave was the first to speak up, asking, “So, what exactly is this kid, anyhow? What’s his aspect?”

Rose shrugged and stared at her cue ball for a moment. “Hm. It appears that he is the Prince of Rage.”

Dave responded with an absent-minded nod. “That’s cool.” He folded his hands behind his head and tilted back in his chair.

“We don’t have all fucking day, you weak-minded shitstain!” Karkat declared.

“Don’t go blowing your brains to bits, dude. I mean, really, did you forget that I’m the Knight of Time?” snickered Dave.

“No, we didn’t forget that,” Rose chimed in, “But we are concerned about how you’re going to get there in time.”

“And it would be quite beneficial for us to ascertain how exactly you plan upon performing this feat,” commented Kanaya.

Dave smirked. “One,” he held up his index finger, “Alchemize a spaceship. Two,” he continued counting on his fingers, “Timetables. Three, get there on time. Done!”

“Then I’m coming with you,” interjected Karkat.

“Hm. Fine by me,” Dave responded with a wide grin.


	10. Level 2 Phase VI

“That went unexpectedly well…“ Karkat mumbled as he began studying the planet he’d just landed on. “So, where the fuck are we? Looks like someone found some castles and decided they weren’t worth the effort to maintain.”

Dave replied with a shrug. “Yeah. Says the asshole who didn’t have to manipulate time and space while trying to calm some dead shit’s friends’ emotional breakdowns.”

Karkat gave a huff of disapproval. At the same time, he took note of the gathering host of blue-green sparrows above a nearby tower. Dave also seemed to take note of the phenomenon.

“Well, that was easy enough.” Dave shrugged.

A nod of agreement sufficed as Karkat’s reply.

The pair then set off towards the tower and, upon arrival, found the clear evidence of a recently abducted dead body.

“You have to be shitting me,” was Karkat’s succinct response to the situation. “We did all this for a shitload of ugly flying grubs to take the dead kid?”

Dave shrugged. “Nothing we can do about it now. And they’re sparrows. They eat grubs…”

“How lovely.”

* * *

\--turntechGodhead [TG] opened a memo on board IDEK HE DEAD THOUGH--

TG: he dead

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

CG: GREAT. THAT’S ONE WAY TO DO IT. INFINITESIMALLY MINOR COINCIDENCE, PEOPLE. YOUR FRIEND IS DEAD. THIS IS WHY I TOLD YOU TO LET ME DO IT, DAVE.

earthExplorer [EE] responded to memo.

EE: Shit. Shit shit shit.

CG: YES, SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT FELLOW PLAYER OF THE WATER SAC SPECIES.  
CG: YOUR FRIEND IS FINE AND IS BEING TRANSPORTED TO THE PLANETARY RESTING SLAB AT THIS MOMENT. DON’T PANIC.

TG: hey i think i found part of a shin bone dude look at this dank ass shit right here isnt it cool

wallDefender [WD] responded to memo.

WD: i hate that little shit so much.  
WD: and whoever you are, turntechgoddamn i will fuck you up.  
WD: grey screaming guy, you’re okay.

CG: WELL ISN’T THAT COMFORTING TO KNOW.  
CG: I HAVE THE APPROVAL OF ONE OF THE WATER SACS WHO ISN’T A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT.

TG: ow that hurt my feelings  
TG: you dont have to be such a butthole about it

EE: …

CG: I’M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, DAVE. YOU’RE FUCKING LAUGHING YOUR PALTRY ASS OFF.

WD: could the two children shut up for five minutes and explain what the hell is happening here?

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.

TT: Seeing as I've known this pair of thick-skulled children for quite a while I have to say that you likely won’t be seeing any sort of meaning contributions from them.

WD: i hate all of you.

EE: …

alleyCorporal [AC] responded to memo.

AC: If we’re on a scavenger hunt I found the pulpy dream body.  
AC: Do I get a prize?

TT: I’ve finally found someone with a personality as shitty as Dave and Karkat. Perhaps you might even take the tedious prize of being worse than them. Your reward is to fuck off.  
TT: Anyhow, Karkat is talking about a Quest Bed. The consorts of Eren’s planet are taking him there now. Upon arrival, he will be revived as his God Tier.

AC: Well that’s disappointing. I wanted a prize.  
AC: Really. Though. That’s true.

WD: how do you know, you annoying piece of shit?

AC: I’m God Tier. I’d know. Thief of Void.

TT: You’re also thief of my patience.

TT banned AC from responding to memo.

EE: …

TG: that went well i think

CG: YOU FUCKING GRUEL BRAIN IT WENT TERRIBLY.

WD: …

TG closed memo.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, feedback, and corrections are welcome!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Universal Alignments [REDUX]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969490) by [godtiermeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme)




End file.
